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_

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[patriotic music]

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Harriet Tubman was like,

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this is about to be, like,
a real stealth operation.

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You [bleep]s have never seen
no [bleep] like this before.

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Why would you wait till I'm
at my drunkest to do this?

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- Virginia Hall had a wooden leg.
- Ow.

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But she's blowing up bridges,

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and the head of the
Gestapo is like, that bitch.

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But he was a bad guy, so
he used terrible language.

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Roald Dahl was a fighter
pilot who crash-landed,

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and he was a [bleep] spy.
Literally a [bleep] spy.

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[patriotic music]

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<i>sync and correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~</i>

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<b>3x04 - "Spies"</b>

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Well, a spy during war
is gonna go behind enemy lines,

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and they're going to try to...

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Oh, wait. I'm drunk.
I can't use big words. [laughs]

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For a spy, I would need
maybe an Austin Martin,

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I mean... or an Aston
Martin, for the chicks.

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Who was Harriet Tubman?

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I love Harriet Tubman.
Underground Railroad.

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Freed millions... well,
maybe not millions.

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I don't know the exact amount.
But freed a number of slaves.

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She was like the
James Bond of Georgia.

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[Derek] Wait.
Give me that song again.

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- Which one?
- Bitch called me about a week ago.

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[laughs]

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First of all, how do
you not know this song?

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I can't hear.

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? Bitch, caught a
body 'bout a week ago ?

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? [bleep] with us and
then we tweakin', ho ?

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? Tweaking, huh?

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-
- No. It's... [laughs]

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He's saying, "Bitch, I caught
a body 'bout a week ago,"

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meaning, "I killed
somebody about a week ago."

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Oh, now, that's where I
draw the line. [laughs]

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Hi, my name is Crissle,
and today we're gonna talk

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about the Civil War spy
Harriet Tubman.

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So Harriet Tubman does
not get her just due.

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Like, you hear her name, and you think,
she led the slaves to freedom.

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But you most certainly do not know

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that she was a spy for the Union.

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So the thing was, when
the Civil War started,

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Harriet Tubman was like,
wait a minute. I can do way more.

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So she went down there to Port Royal,

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which is in South Carolina,

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and the Union had, like, taken it over.

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But it was still com...
It was still, like...

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like, not smothered and covered.

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That's [bleep] like biscuits.

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It was... it was
surrounded by Confederacy,

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like, places and [bleep].

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And at first, she's just
like a regular-ass person.

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She was a nurse.
And that's when she was like,

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I know can do better than
this. Like, I know can free

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way more slaves than what
you guys are doing right now.

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And that's when she went
to the colonel and was like,

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I could totally be a spy for you.

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I have connects, and, like,

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when I dress up and [bleep],
those people have no idea who I am.

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And the colonel was like...
[belches] Excuse me.

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I got, like, a good
15 minutes left in me

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before the liquor takes over,
and God only knows what I'll say.

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That's great.
[laughs]

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And so then the colonel was like, yeah,

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obviously my white ass
can't go down there.

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Absolutely, you can be a spy.

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You down there, do
what the [bleep] you do.

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So she's like, okay, let me
put on my field hand clothes.

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And she was, like, five
feet tall, so it was very

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easy for her to, like,
blend into the background.

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And she is able to, like,
go to the plantations,

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and she was like, hey, guys, like,

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not to stir up any [bleep] or whatever,

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but, like, I know y'all
are tired of being slaves.

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I was totally tired of being a slave.

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And none of us have to be
slaves anymore, so, like,

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whoever's down to help the
Union, just let me know.

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So everybody was like, cool.
And then she would go out...

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she had these friends who were mariners,

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which are basically just, like,
people who work in the water...

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like, with water [bleep].

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And she's like, I know
there are mines out here,

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so let's work together and
find out where this [bleep] is,

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because I'm a spy,
and I'm gonna get this [bleep].

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Like, I'm gonna burn this [bleep] down.

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And so then she went back to
the colonel, and she was like,

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I have this idea to burn
up all the plantations.

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Here's all my research,
and you should just let me do it.

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And the colonel was
like, well, [bleep] it.

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Like, I don't have [bleep] to lose.

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Like, let's work together
and burn that [bleep] down.

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And so they got together,
and she was like,

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listen, this is about to be...
like, I'm not even about to [bleep] you.

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This is about to be some [bleep].

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Like, this is about to be,
like, a real stealth operation.

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You [bleep]s have never seen
no [bleep] like this before.

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Like, I got some dope-ass
[bleep] planned out.

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But I need y'all to all be down

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and just do what the [bleep] I say.
I got this [bleep].

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And June 1, 1863... yes.

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On 1863, they begin this raid.
So Harriet Tubman is, like,

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on the Combahee River and [bleep].

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She was like, I'm down for this [bleep].
Like, I'm ready.

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And so when the raid started, like,

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she knew where the mines and
[bleep] were in the water.

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She and her team of mariners...
it would have been like,

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aw, [bleep] that,
aw, [bleep] that.

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Like, we're not gonna get caught
by your stupid-ass traps,

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you [bleep] slave owners.

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And then the owners of the
plantation... these crazy-ass

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racist white people would see
all these black people coming,

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and they'd be like,
what the [bleep] is this?

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What the...
What the... this mic moved.

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- Oh, right. Yeah, yeah.
- Is it still...

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I'm sorry. I'm focused.

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And they were like, hey,
hey, racist-ass white person.

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Here's another racist-ass white person
here to warn you that,

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you know, Harriet Tubman is coming

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with her army full of bad bitches.

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And so then they would
start shooting and [bleep].

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But by then, Harriet Tubman was
like, bitch, you're too late.

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Like, me and my people are already here.

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And guns back then was [bleep], like,
just basic as [bleep].

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Them guns wasn't doing [bleep].

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So they would take their torches
and [bleep] and be like, yah!

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And go there... and go in and just

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[bleep] burn these
plantations down and then dip.

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And then they would go again.

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Like, this raid, it was 25
miles along the Combahee River.

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And they're just, like, burning
[bleep] down, freeing slaves,

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getting on the boat, traveling again,
avoiding the mines.

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And so at the end of the
day... night... end of the raid,

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Harriet Tubman was like,
goddamn, I freed 750 slaves.

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Like, this [bleep] is dope as hell.

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And her plan... it was the
first military operation

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that was executed and
led by an American woman.

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And it was planned by a former slave
who could not read or write,

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who was only five feet tall,
who was both black and a woman.

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And she still pulled this [bleep] off.

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She helped the Union win the war.

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She freed, like, at least
1,000 slaves in her lifetime.

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She was just dope as hell.

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God, black people have been
through so much [bleep].

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Black people have been through so much.

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I-I don't know how to
respond to that. [laughs]

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Except... I agree.

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[music]

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I'm sorry. Tell me
your Australian accent?

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I can't do accents.

152
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Can you say "fair
crack of the whip, mate"?

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00:07:07,629 --> 00:07:09,628
And is that saying, like, good job?

154
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- No, it's like, give me a fair go.
- Okay.

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- Fair crip... Fair... grip.
- Crack.

156
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- Fair crack of the whip, mate.
- It's not terrible.

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Fair crack of the whip, mate.

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Believable?
[laughs]

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Where does our story take place?

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It takes place all over the place.

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But the story starts in Baltimore.

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- Are you from Baltimore?
- Bal'more.

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Bal'more.

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- Yeah.
- Okay.

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Hello, I'm Claudia O'Doherty,

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and today we are gonna be
talking about Virginia Hall,

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who was a very good spy.

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So in 1906, in Baltimore,
Virginia Hall was born.

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And she's like, I love Europe.

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Maybe I should get a job
for the Foreign Service.

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I'm very qualified
for that kind of thing

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'cause I'm so smart
and good at languages.

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And then she takes the entrance
exam for the Foreign Service,

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but she fails because it's a
very hard exam. She was very sad.

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When she got the results,
she was like, oh, man.

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But she said, you know what?
I need to blow off some steam.

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And then she decided to go to Europe.
And she's having a good time.

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When she was in Turkey in
1933, though, she was like,

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hey, friends, let's
go on a hunting trip.

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And they're just having a very
good time shooting all the animals.

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And then she's like, I'll
just climb over this wall...

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or a fence.
I'll just climb over this fence.

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And she's climbing over,
her legs get caught,

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and she shot her left foot off.
Ow.

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- Ahh.
- Mm-hmm.

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And she gets fitted with
a custom prosthetic leg.

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And she called her leg Cuthbert.

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- Cuff bit?
- Cuthbert.

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- Cuthbert.
- That's what she calls it.

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And then what happens?
World War II.

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And she's like,
hmm, huh, not cool.

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But anyway, I know what
I'll do. I'll sign up to

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be an ambulance driver
for the ambulance corps.

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That's a very dangerous
job in Paris in 1939,

195
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and she is like, I don't even care.

196
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So then she goes to London.
She goes to a dinner party,

197
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and the dinner party's in a
bomb shelter during an air raid.

198
00:09:12,289 --> 00:09:14,169
So she's having a good
time at the dinner party,

199
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and she meets this
woman named Vera Atkins,

200
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who is like, ooh, this
woman could be of use to us.

201
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So she says to Virginia, by the way,

202
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I work for SOE:
Secret Operations Executive.

203
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It's a British spy gang.

204
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And she brings in this
big, handsome French guy,

205
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and he says, would you
like to be a spy for us?

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And Virginia is like, yes,
that would be incredible.

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00:09:36,354 --> 00:09:39,288
So she goes back to France,
and she assumes a new identity.

208
00:09:39,289 --> 00:09:41,288
And she's just, like, a
really nice journalist.

209
00:09:41,289 --> 00:09:44,793
But actually, she's organizing
the French Resistance.

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So she's supplying weapons,

211
00:09:47,289 --> 00:09:50,288
supplying money, organizing guys.

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She's also organizing
escapes from prison camps.

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00:09:54,289 --> 00:09:57,166
She is just causing such
trouble for the Germans.

214
00:09:57,289 --> 00:10:00,288
And they're hearing
rumors about this woman

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00:10:00,289 --> 00:10:01,889
who was organizing
the French Resistance.

216
00:10:01,914 --> 00:10:04,601
And they didn't know who
she was, but they knew that

217
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she had a limp, which was
embarrassing for Virginia,

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00:10:07,289 --> 00:10:09,009
'cause she didn't think
she did have a limp,

219
00:10:09,034 --> 00:10:12,034
so that's a very sad part of
the story, right? [chuckles]

220
00:10:12,289 --> 00:10:15,288
And the head of the
Gestapo is Klaus Barbie,

221
00:10:15,289 --> 00:10:16,849
who's also known as the
Butcher of Lyon.

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00:10:16,874 --> 00:10:21,136
And he's like, what I wouldn't give
to get my hands on

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00:10:21,137 --> 00:10:24,288
- the neck of that bitch.
- [Derek] You said bitch.

224
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Yeah, but he was a bad guy,
so he used terrible language.

225
00:10:28,289 --> 00:10:30,288
So everybody's looking for her now.

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00:10:30,289 --> 00:10:32,863
There are "Wanted" posters
with her likeness on them.

227
00:10:32,889 --> 00:10:35,049
They're like, look out
for this limping lady.

228
00:10:35,074 --> 00:10:37,288
And she's like, excuse
me, I don't even limp.

229
00:10:37,289 --> 00:10:39,288
But she probably... anyway.

230
00:10:39,289 --> 00:10:40,769
So she's like, how am I gonna get out?

231
00:10:40,770 --> 00:10:42,410
I can't go through
any of the checkpoints.

232
00:10:42,435 --> 00:10:44,288
So because she's got no other option,

233
00:10:44,289 --> 00:10:48,288
she hikes over the
snowy Pyrenees Mountains

234
00:10:48,289 --> 00:10:51,288
with one leg, and she gets out of there.

235
00:10:51,289 --> 00:10:55,288
But then who's entered the war?
The Americans.

236
00:10:55,289 --> 00:10:56,288
And they're like,
we're looking for spies,

237
00:10:56,289 --> 00:10:58,288
and she's like,
hello, I'm a very good spy.

238
00:10:58,289 --> 00:11:00,288
And they're like, great,

239
00:11:00,289 --> 00:11:03,288
but you're gonna need
a really good disguise.

240
00:11:03,289 --> 00:11:06,649
And so she dyed her hair gray,
put on two skirts and two sweaters,

241
00:11:06,674 --> 00:11:09,288
and she had her fillings changed

242
00:11:09,289 --> 00:11:12,288
so she had French fillings
rather than American fillings.

243
00:11:12,289 --> 00:11:16,288
- She looks like Mrs. Doubtfire.
- Exactly.

244
00:11:16,289 --> 00:11:18,612
And also, she shuffled so she
didn't have a limp anymore.

245
00:11:18,718 --> 00:11:21,344
So then she goes back into France,

246
00:11:21,379 --> 00:11:24,288
and she's just delivering
cheese everywhere.

247
00:11:24,289 --> 00:11:25,689
But actually, she is wreaking havoc.

248
00:11:25,714 --> 00:11:28,288
She's blowing up bridges,

249
00:11:28,289 --> 00:11:30,288
blowing up train lines,
cutting telephone lines,

250
00:11:30,289 --> 00:11:32,288
but it's very dangerous.

251
00:11:32,289 --> 00:11:34,169
The whole time, the
Germans are looking for her.

252
00:11:34,194 --> 00:11:38,288
- And then the war ended.
- That's kind of good.

253
00:11:38,289 --> 00:11:40,288
So that was good.

254
00:11:40,289 --> 00:11:44,288
So then Truman is like,
I'm gonna give you a medal.

255
00:11:44,289 --> 00:11:48,288
And it is called the
Distinguished Services Cross.

256
00:11:48,289 --> 00:11:52,288
So she gets the award, and she goes,
you know what I'd like to do now?

257
00:11:52,289 --> 00:11:55,288
I'd like to finally join the Foreign
Service like I've always wanted.

258
00:11:55,289 --> 00:11:57,288
And they're like, budgetary cutbacks.

259
00:11:57,289 --> 00:11:59,288
You can't be in the Foreign Service.

260
00:11:59,289 --> 00:12:03,288
But we've got this new organization.
Would you mind joining that?

261
00:12:03,289 --> 00:12:05,288
And that turned out to be the CIA.

262
00:12:05,289 --> 00:12:09,288
And so she's the first
woman to ever be recognized

263
00:12:09,289 --> 00:12:12,288
as a member of the CIA's career staff.

264
00:12:12,289 --> 00:12:16,288
So Virginia Hall was a
true legend, and she didn't

265
00:12:16,289 --> 00:12:20,288
let anybody tell her what
she could and couldn't do.

266
00:12:20,289 --> 00:12:23,288
Not bad for a girl from Bal'more.

267
00:12:23,289 --> 00:12:27,449
Stay tuned for more
"Drunk History: Spies."

268
00:12:27,554 --> 00:12:28,697
[laughs]

269
00:12:29,149 --> 00:12:31,148
[patriotic music]

270
00:12:31,149 --> 00:12:32,269
Here's Roald [bleep] Dahl.

271
00:12:32,294 --> 00:12:36,148
Ladies were just going nuts for him.
So they [bleep] a lot,

272
00:12:36,149 --> 00:12:38,949
and he got so much information
through so much of his dick.

273
00:12:43,428 --> 00:12:47,808
So what I was thinking is,
I want to spy on this bar

274
00:12:47,833 --> 00:12:49,687
so no one's gonna know who I am.

275
00:12:49,688 --> 00:12:52,687
- All right. Let's do this.
- Let's do it.

276
00:12:52,688 --> 00:12:55,687
[suspenseful music]

277
00:13:01,138 --> 00:13:03,137
[bleep] "Drunk History."

278
00:13:03,138 --> 00:13:06,138
[crowd chattering]

279
00:13:08,664 --> 00:13:10,090
Where are you from?

280
00:13:12,782 --> 00:13:17,138
Originally from Tennessee.
Have you ever seen this program?

281
00:13:19,138 --> 00:13:21,138
Is it... Is it funny?

282
00:13:23,138 --> 00:13:25,138
Doesn't sound... I've seen, like...

283
00:13:28,138 --> 00:13:32,138
On, like, a scale of one
to ten, ten being funny...

284
00:13:36,138 --> 00:13:39,137
I like Jeff Dunham. You
know, with the puppets?

285
00:13:39,138 --> 00:13:42,137
That light's real bright.

286
00:13:42,138 --> 00:13:43,898
You just have to put
your arm down, though.

287
00:13:43,923 --> 00:13:45,137
That's the only thing.

288
00:13:45,138 --> 00:13:47,137
What makes an amazing spy?

289
00:13:47,138 --> 00:13:53,137
In order to be a spy,
you have to be... silent.

290
00:13:53,138 --> 00:13:56,637
And sometimes people end up
trusting you and tell you information

291
00:13:56,638 --> 00:14:00,137
that they otherwise wouldn't
tell you if you were a spy.

292
00:14:00,138 --> 00:14:01,458
Awesome.
Thank you guys so much.

293
00:14:01,483 --> 00:14:03,137
We get pay?
Do we get paid?

294
00:14:03,138 --> 00:14:08,137
What do you guys want us to say now?

295
00:14:08,138 --> 00:14:09,138
All right.

296
00:14:11,138 --> 00:14:14,137
Holy [bleep].
It's D Money.

297
00:14:14,138 --> 00:14:18,818
This is Mission: Impossible 5: D Money."

298
00:14:22,838 --> 00:14:25,837
- [Derek] Lucius.
- Yes.

299
00:14:25,838 --> 00:14:28,837
- Please grab that glass.
- What glass?

300
00:14:28,838 --> 00:14:34,837
It's called balance.
Remember this?

301
00:14:34,838 --> 00:14:36,440
Whatever. You can be
as drunk as you want.

302
00:14:36,475 --> 00:14:37,837
See? Look. You think
that's gonna go down.

303
00:14:37,838 --> 00:14:40,838
- Grab it.
- It's so not. No, no, no.

304
00:14:40,863 --> 00:14:42,837
You think "grab it." No.

305
00:14:42,838 --> 00:14:44,398
It's making me...
it's freaking me out.

306
00:14:44,423 --> 00:14:46,837
No. I know. Remember this?

307
00:14:46,838 --> 00:14:48,837
No. Why do you keep
saying do I remember that?

308
00:14:48,838 --> 00:14:49,837
[laughs]

309
00:14:49,838 --> 00:14:51,398
Why the [bleep]
would I remember that?

310
00:14:51,838 --> 00:14:54,838
Do I remember my hands?
Sure.

311
00:14:56,058 --> 00:14:57,138
My name is Lucius Dillon.

312
00:14:57,163 --> 00:15:00,057
Today we're gonna talk
about Roald Dahl...

313
00:15:00,058 --> 00:15:03,757
[blows raspberry]
and his life as a British spy.

314
00:15:03,858 --> 00:15:06,858
World War II, Roald Dahl was
a fighter pilot for the RAF,

315
00:15:07,858 --> 00:15:10,138
the Royal Air Force.
And he loved fighting them Nazis,

316
00:15:10,858 --> 00:15:12,857
and he's like, aww, this is great.

317
00:15:12,858 --> 00:15:16,857
And so he had to go and
fly to a base in the desert.

318
00:15:16,858 --> 00:15:20,857
He ran out of gas, hit the
ground at 75 miles an hour,

319
00:15:20,858 --> 00:15:23,857
cracked his skull.
He had to drag himself out of the plane

320
00:15:23,858 --> 00:15:26,566
before the gas tanks exploded.

321
00:15:27,858 --> 00:15:32,857
So he was pretty much was, like,
invalided out of the Royal Air Force.

322
00:15:32,858 --> 00:15:34,857
But then a famous author,
C.S. Forester,

323
00:15:34,858 --> 00:15:36,757
wanted to interview him about his crash.

324
00:15:36,778 --> 00:15:39,718
Dahl was like, okay, you know what?
My mind's a little spotty.

325
00:15:39,743 --> 00:15:42,677
Let me just write down
some notes for you.

326
00:15:42,678 --> 00:15:45,677
Forester's like, okay,
send it to me later.

327
00:15:45,678 --> 00:15:48,298
So Dahl sat down to kind
of write it, and his mind

328
00:15:48,299 --> 00:15:50,918
was kind of muddled because
he went through a crash.

329
00:15:50,943 --> 00:15:52,577
But he wrote, like, a really good story,

330
00:15:52,678 --> 00:15:55,577
sent it to Forester,
and Forester wrote back and was like,

331
00:15:55,678 --> 00:15:58,577
okay, look, you were
supposed to give me notes,

332
00:15:58,678 --> 00:16:01,677
not write a full [bleep] story.

333
00:16:01,678 --> 00:16:05,677
This... this is great.
This is amazing.

334
00:16:05,678 --> 00:16:07,677
I'm not changing a word.

335
00:16:07,678 --> 00:16:09,918
I'm sending this straight to
"The Saturday Evening Post."

336
00:16:09,943 --> 00:16:12,677
So that got sent, and it
was actually really popular.

337
00:16:12,678 --> 00:16:15,677
He realized, like, okay, I
can tear a pretty good yarn,

338
00:16:15,678 --> 00:16:19,677
or, I don't know if that's
the right term, but... [laughs]

339
00:16:19,678 --> 00:16:20,918
I can write a pretty good story.

340
00:16:20,943 --> 00:16:24,943
[sputtering and squeaking]

341
00:16:26,678 --> 00:16:29,677
See? You got to tickle it.
You got to know...

342
00:16:29,678 --> 00:16:30,677
[giggles]
Just keep going.

343
00:16:30,678 --> 00:16:32,677
He was the talk of the town,

344
00:16:32,678 --> 00:16:34,677
and so he was invited to
a lot of these parties.

345
00:16:34,678 --> 00:16:37,677
And he met up with a really cool guy
called Bill Stephenson.

346
00:16:37,678 --> 00:16:41,677
And Bill Stephenson's like,
hey, what's going on with you?

347
00:16:41,678 --> 00:16:44,677
And Dahl's just like, I
want to help out England.

348
00:16:44,678 --> 00:16:46,677
I didn't bust my nuff...

349
00:16:46,678 --> 00:16:49,677
I didn't bust my nut enough in England.

350
00:16:49,678 --> 00:16:50,838
And I still didn't do enough.

351
00:16:50,839 --> 00:16:54,677
Stephenson was like, well, I-I...
there is other stuff you can do.

352
00:16:54,678 --> 00:16:58,677
So Dahl was hired into
a dark propaganda section

353
00:16:58,678 --> 00:16:59,677
referred to as the BSC,

354
00:16:59,678 --> 00:17:01,677
which stands for
British Security Council.

355
00:17:01,678 --> 00:17:03,677
And a lot of other people were hired:

356
00:17:03,678 --> 00:17:05,678
Noel Coward, who was a
famous playwright and actor,

357
00:17:05,703 --> 00:17:08,677
and also Ian Fleming,
who some people might know

358
00:17:08,678 --> 00:17:10,677
as James [bleep] Bond.

359
00:17:10,678 --> 00:17:13,677
And Stephenson was like,
let's put you into some good

360
00:17:13,678 --> 00:17:16,677
political parties, and meet
everyone you [bleep] can

361
00:17:16,678 --> 00:17:18,677
and report everything back to us.

362
00:17:18,678 --> 00:17:19,677
He was like, okay.

363
00:17:19,678 --> 00:17:23,677
So here's Roald [bleep] Dahl,
tall, handsome [bleep],

364
00:17:23,678 --> 00:17:26,677
long-ass face,
eloquent-ass tongue.

365
00:17:26,678 --> 00:17:28,238
But every time when he was at the party,

366
00:17:28,263 --> 00:17:30,677
like, he'd be eavesdropping
on newspaper people,

367
00:17:30,678 --> 00:17:32,677
politicians and secretly just, like,

368
00:17:32,678 --> 00:17:35,677
scribbling, you know, little
things on, like, napkins

369
00:17:35,678 --> 00:17:37,677
and reporting it to England.

370
00:17:37,678 --> 00:17:41,677
He would also get into finding
information through pillow talk.

371
00:17:41,678 --> 00:17:44,677
So he had a list of ladies
that he would go through,

372
00:17:44,678 --> 00:17:47,677
like Cissy Patterson had her claws

373
00:17:47,678 --> 00:17:50,677
into the "Washington Herald-Times,"

374
00:17:50,678 --> 00:17:52,677
and she's like, you
want to see the boudoir?

375
00:17:52,678 --> 00:17:53,718
And he's like, yes please.

376
00:17:53,743 --> 00:17:55,677
So he [bleep] the [bleep]
out of her for a while

377
00:17:55,678 --> 00:17:57,358
and got whatever
information that he could.

378
00:17:57,383 --> 00:17:59,677
Then he went to Evalyn McLean.

379
00:17:59,678 --> 00:18:03,223
She knew every politician in the world,
so they [bleep] a lot.

380
00:18:03,678 --> 00:18:05,677
So he met Claire Booth Luce.

381
00:18:05,678 --> 00:18:09,677
She was a congresswoman,
and they [bleep].

382
00:18:09,678 --> 00:18:13,677
And he got so much information
through so much of his dick.

383
00:18:13,678 --> 00:18:16,677
But after a while, and
this is an exact quote,

384
00:18:16,678 --> 00:18:18,558
like, he called Ambassador
Halifax and was like,

385
00:18:18,678 --> 00:18:21,677
look, I am [bleep] out, okay?

386
00:18:21,678 --> 00:18:22,958
This goddamn woman has [bleep] me

387
00:18:22,983 --> 00:18:24,677
from one end of the room to the other.

388
00:18:24,678 --> 00:18:26,677
I'm done. I can't do it.
I'm squirting dust.

389
00:18:26,678 --> 00:18:31,677
And the ambassador's like, just
close your eyes and think of England.

390
00:18:31,678 --> 00:18:34,677
And Dahl's like, great, okay.
I guess I will.

391
00:18:34,678 --> 00:18:38,677
- Get your chin off my neck.
- I'm just... no, it's...

392
00:18:38,678 --> 00:18:41,677
No, that wasn't... my
chin wasn't on you at all.

393
00:18:41,678 --> 00:18:43,318
I feel like we're laying on two Muppets.

394
00:18:43,343 --> 00:18:44,677
[laughs]

395
00:18:44,678 --> 00:18:46,677
Yes. [coughs]

396
00:18:46,678 --> 00:18:49,677
Oh, Jesus. Is this your death scene?

397
00:18:49,678 --> 00:18:51,677
If you die on the show, we're [bleep].

398
00:18:51,678 --> 00:18:54,678
[suspenseful music]

399
00:18:59,939 --> 00:19:02,739
- I'm not puking enough.
- You don't need to puke.

400
00:19:02,764 --> 00:19:03,738
[glasses clink]

401
00:19:03,739 --> 00:19:03,739
[bleep], I got to drink this.

402
00:19:03,740 --> 00:19:07,738
- I gotta drink this.
- No! [groans]

403
00:19:07,739 --> 00:19:12,405
Ooh. How have you
had this much of that?

404
00:19:12,440 --> 00:19:14,738
I've had seven glasses of this.

405
00:19:14,739 --> 00:19:17,738
Okay, so FDR is in his third term.

406
00:19:17,739 --> 00:19:20,738
Britain was like,
okay, he's getting old.

407
00:19:20,739 --> 00:19:22,099
We are worried that he's gonna die,

408
00:19:22,100 --> 00:19:23,099
because he's our biggest
supporter right now.

409
00:19:23,100 --> 00:19:26,738
You need to let us know
everything that's wrong with him.

410
00:19:26,739 --> 00:19:28,738
And he's like, yeah, I'll be right over.

411
00:19:28,739 --> 00:19:31,738
Uhh,
and now I'm here, right now.

412
00:19:31,739 --> 00:19:34,738
And so, luckily,
Eleanor Roosevelt is like,

413
00:19:34,739 --> 00:19:39,738
hey, I'm a big fan of yours,
so meet my husband.

414
00:19:39,739 --> 00:19:41,738
And he's like, oh, yeah,
nice to meet you, FDR.

415
00:19:41,739 --> 00:19:44,738
Nice to meet you too, Roald Dahl.

416
00:19:44,739 --> 00:19:47,738
And they have a lovely time.
They drink a lot.

417
00:19:47,739 --> 00:19:50,738
So he took note of everything,
wrote it all in a 12-page document,

418
00:19:50,739 --> 00:19:54,738
and it worked out very
well until FDR died.

419
00:19:54,739 --> 00:19:55,738
And then the war ended,

420
00:19:55,739 --> 00:19:59,738
and Dahl's life as a spy was over.

421
00:19:59,739 --> 00:20:02,738
He was like, [bleep], what can I do now?

422
00:20:02,739 --> 00:20:03,738
He's like, well, I need to make a buck,

423
00:20:03,739 --> 00:20:05,738
so let me just go for
the easy money and just...

424
00:20:05,739 --> 00:20:09,738
I'll just write some [bleep]
children's novels. That'll be great.

425
00:20:09,739 --> 00:20:13,324
So he wrote "James and the Giant Peach,"
which was amazing.

426
00:20:13,739 --> 00:20:16,238
And then in the same year,
he wrote "Charlie and

427
00:20:16,239 --> 00:20:18,738
the Chocolate Factory," which,
holy [bleep], was the best.

428
00:20:18,739 --> 00:20:20,779
And he wrote "Charlie and
the Great Glass Elevator,"

429
00:20:20,804 --> 00:20:23,738
wrote "The Witches,"
wrote "The BFG,"

430
00:20:23,739 --> 00:20:25,738
wrote "Fantastic Mr. Fox."

431
00:20:25,739 --> 00:20:27,738
He's hands down, [bleep] Dr. Seuss,

432
00:20:27,739 --> 00:20:32,396
the greatest children's
author of all time.

433
00:20:32,422 --> 00:20:33,739
And he was a [bleep] spy!

434
00:20:33,764 --> 00:20:36,738
Literally, a [bleep] spy.

435
00:20:36,739 --> 00:20:40,738
And because of his dick,
England was a better place.

436
00:20:40,739 --> 00:20:43,739
I enjoy jay-drinking.
I enjoy drinking with you.

437
00:20:43,764 --> 00:20:47,738
- "Jay-drinking?"
- I enjoy day-drinking.

438
00:20:47,739 --> 00:20:49,398
And you're continuing.

439
00:20:49,739 --> 00:20:51,739
[patriotic music]

440
00:21:01,375 --> 00:21:04,593
<i>sync and correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~</i>

441
00:21:08,756 --> 00:21:10,496
Back before they had
cures for STDs

442
00:21:10,497 --> 00:21:12,617
and y'all would just [bleep]
anything that would walk,

443
00:21:12,642 --> 00:21:14,055
- Mhm.
- ...you would go to the doctor,

444
00:21:14,056 --> 00:21:15,863
and you would be like,
hey, my dick hurts.

445
00:21:15,898 --> 00:21:18,055
And the doctor would be like,
all right, put your dick on the table.

446
00:21:18,056 --> 00:21:21,002
And they took a rubber hammer
and just hammered at your dick,

447
00:21:21,037 --> 00:21:23,907
- and the infection would fly out.
- Rubber hammer?

448
00:21:23,957 --> 00:21:28,507
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